The Eighth Doctor

Have you ever watched something that was so bad that it physically hurt you to watch it? The Star Wars prequels are a good example of this. Doctor Who: The Made for TV Movie that Fox produced in the nineties is another.

I don’t remember it being this bad. Maybe my threshold for pain was greater while I was still in college, but everything about the film is so damn bad.

Let’s start with the writing. Matthew Jacobs certainly has no claim to fame other than this and the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles. Part of the reason this doesn’t work is a British man is trying to write American characters interacting with a British man, and then making jokes about the fact he is British. It feels quite campy.

Let’s face it. The writing sucks. It doesn’t make a lick of sense and it alienates both new viewers and longtime fans. The creators of this thing are British. They should know that The Doctor can’t read people’s futures just by looking at them. Why would they make The Doctor half human? Why is the Eye of Harmony inside of Tardis and why can’t The Doctor look at it? It doesn’t make sense.

Onto characters: The character, Chang Lee, is ridiculous. His motives are ridiculous (He wants a paper bag from some dead guy? Really?) and he is gullible to a degree of utter stupidity. At the end of the film he runs off with two bags of gold. Come on!

The Master, who I don’t like at the best of times, is also easy to hate in this film. Since when do time lords have green eyes and can turn into Snake-Goo-Monsters? It surprises me that this film came out only a decade after Eric Roberts was nominated for an Oscar. Of course Roberts is in everything. This is one of his thirteen films in the year 1996.

Now let’s get to the good guys. Grace Holloway is not my least favorite companion in the history of this television show, but she is close. The actress herself is charming enough, but from her opening scene to her closing scene, you just can’t find a way to like her. Sort of like the actress from Temple of Doom.

The movie hurts the brain for the first hour, but the headache really ramps up in the last twenty minutes. It’s unwatchable. It is so far over the top that you want to hunt down the people responsible for this mess. It makes Russel T. Davis look subtle! Seriously!

Enough with what is horrible. Let’s talk about what’s good about it. First of all, Paul McGann somehow turns his lines into something enjoyable. His Doctor is charming and youthful. There are parts that totally fit with Matt Smith. I want to see more of Paul in Doctor Who. The Eighth Doctor needs another shot! Say it with me folks “Time War”

The special effects are also pretty good. Not sure what the budget was for this catastrophe, but the CGI is awesome for a 90’s made-for-tv film. Think of what Moffet could do with this kind of budget.

There are little things that make this film ok. This is the first time we ever see The Doctor kiss a companion (paving the way for Rose). It's the first time we see the Tardis in the time vortex. It’s the first time we see The Doctor emit time-energy from his mouth while regenerating (also seen in Christmas Invasion). The moment where The Doctor tries to save The Master seemed to be an echo of things to come (what’s a reverse echo? A revecho?) I think that RTD took note of this film and saw some things that went right before re-launching the series (At the very least, looking at what went wrong).

The bottom line? Throughout its history, Doctor Who has never been perfect. Low budget monsters can make the show seem cheesy. But the majority of the cheesiness in the show came from low budget monster costumes, not from the writing or the acting. And at least there were monsters and planets and robots in the show. This film took a big budget and added it up to… mindless noise.

Of the three viewers of the film my wife, Cathy, liked this movie the least (She’s British, what can I say). My friend Kyle and I couldn’t help but laughing the whole way through. I would not recommend this film to someone who has never seen Who. If you are a big fan and have never seen it… tread carefully.

Until next time, fellow Whovians!